a heart like mine

Its all flowing.Inside to outside,outside to inside..Ican't remember my own name.I can't follow what I feel.Countless shit I've been thinkin' and goin' thru'...and people,whom I happen to remember from time to time..and then forget again... I lay them down,six feet under,and recall again..And get excited,and get bored of 'em..I don't even know how a real feeling feels like...
Do I love 'em?
Do I hate 'em?

I've been all over the place and back.I've been fun. I've been noisy. I've been excited. I've been torn apart.I've been silent.I've been sufferin'. I've been down and drownin'..And now, reaarranging all these thoughts in this moment.. is suicide.
I've been dyin' and resurrecting every fuckin' day.I'm tired of changing,regretting,being furious.. I am tired of all those feelings and thoughts and ideas that've been eating me inside..I fuckin' care alright? So please choose your words when you're talkin' to me! I'm freakin tired or acting like its cool. IT'S NOT!
And all this idotic addiction shit.Its smothering me.I am not like that.That was not the thing i dreamed for me. I've been fighting to it.Fighting against it. Fighting with it from almost 15 years; and after all those years I've been messing with my head, this person we all see now,this cannot be me, right?
I wanne be me again.
I wanna be healthy.I dont wanna fight and lie and hide and ache inside alone.

I've been walking the whole city.I watch my feet as i walk ...Walking erases my head.
I wanna black out.
I wanna black out and never come around again.
Its not the reality that keeps hittin me in the face, it's the dream, which I couldnt make come true.
My eyelids are heavy..I have tones of things to do..well, I cant..Cuz I'm sick.And tired.And too heavy for the real world.